This parenting blog has been written by Stacey Kelly at Your Very Own Story – the writer & illustrator of personalised children’s books. Click on the image above to preview yours now!
The one thing that I’ve always wanted in life more than anything is to get married and become a mummy. After kissing a few frogs, I finally realised that my prince charming was right in front of me and I quickly fell in love with my friend, Mat. After being together for 2 years we decided to get married and at the age of 29 & 30 we felt it was the perfect time to start trying for a family. Now, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I thought I’d just try for a baby, get pregnant and that would be it. How wrong I was! The first month came and went and if I’m honest, I was quite shocked as I genuinely expected it to happen straight away. Month 2, 3, 4 & 5 passed and the same happened. I couldn’t believe it! What was wrong with me? What if I couldn’t have children? It may sound silly because in the grand scheme of things it hadn’t been a long time at all, but when you are living it a month feels like forever. All of these questions were going around my head and each month that passed by, my worry and anxiety about it all just increased. Every month I was waiting for the inevitable to happen and every time it did, I just wanted to cry (and actually did a few times). My biggest fear was that my body couldn’t do it and this fear started to consume me.
I decided I was going get some ovulation tests which was a BIG mistake! I became even more obsessed with timings and cycles & all of a sudden everything became very matter of fact and mechanical – not at all how it should be. One night, my poor hubby (who had gone from loving his new nymphomaniac wife to being a near broken man!) told me he was tired. I am totally ashamed to admit it, but I actually became the crazy woman that screamed ‘what do you mean you’re tired? I’m ovulating!’ At that very moment I knew it had to stop! This really wasn’t how I imagined the whole baby making process would be. It is so hard when it means so much and to top it off, everywhere you look there’s a pregnant woman or someone telling you that they were having a baby. Nothing tipped me over the edge more than the people who said ‘oooo I blinked and got pregnant’. Why couldn’t I get pregnant? I wasn’t drinking (much), I was looking after myself, I was doing ‘it’ at all the right times. What was going wrong?
Well fast-forward to month 7 and I had had enough. I deserved to be pregnant and quite frankly I was shattered! One morning I woke up and just decided that enough was enough and that I was going on strike. No more tests. No more not eating and drinking certain things. In fact, no more ‘you know what’ – I was done with trying! Even though I felt sad, I almost felt a sigh of relief as the pressure (that I was putting on myself) was finally off. After 4 weeks of abstinence, I went out with my hubby, drank far too much wine and in a moment of absolute drunkenness I lifted the ‘you know what’ ban. I thought nothing of it and then lo and behold the date of my period came and went. I’ll never forget waking up the morning after the day I was due on thinking that I might actually be pregnant! I did a test, and in true Stacey style I didn’t read or follow the instructions properly. I just looked at it after a couple of minutes & was disappointed to see it was negative. I threw it on the back of the toilet and went downstairs to drown my sorrows with a cup of tea (like you do when you live in Yorkshire!) An hour later I went up to get ready and as I was about to throw the test in the bin I took a double take. THERE WERE 2 LINES! One was feint but it was definitely there! After Googling for about 3 hours I realized it might be an evaporation line so we decided that we would do another test the next morning. It was the longest 24 hours of my life!! The next day, after thoroughly reading the instructions, we sat staring at the stick for 3 minutes and sure enough there was a really feint line. But do feint lines count? Next solution – go to the docs. I got in straight away and did a test only for them to ring me apologetically to tell me it was negative. I felt disappointed but something inside told me that they were wrong. I sent my hubby out to get a Digital Blue test – the ones that actually say the word ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’. That can’t be wrong surely! The next morning (which again took a lifetime to arrive) we both went to the loo together at about 6am because we couldn’t sleep. We sat holding hands staring at the little egg timer waiting for the results. Then it happened – the word PREGNANT appeared! I have never felt as happy in my entire life – we both just burst into tears. We had done it!
My pregnancy was all consuming (in a good way). There wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t know everything about my baby’s development and what size fruit he/she was the same as! It dragged but at the same time it was the most amazing experience. I couldn’t believe that my body was actually creating a little human. To be honest, I don’t think I will ever get my head around it and our daughter is now 22 months old! After a very long 9 months of waiting, Eleni Renée arrived at home in water (read about my homebirth here) weighing 6lbs 11oz. It was the most amazing moment of my life and being a Mummy continues to be the greatest role and gift I have ever had.
If you are trying for a baby, I know it is hard but one thing that my journey has taught me is that your mind is so important in the process. I truly believe that my desperation & anxiety were the things that were stopping me from getting pregnant. The moment I gave up trying was the exact moment my body relaxed and allowed it to happen. I’m not sure how I could have got to that point without getting to the end of my tether though so to say to someone not to feel that way is pointless. People used to tell me the same thing and it made no difference to how I felt – I knew I needed to calm down but didn’t know how. I think it’s more difficult with baby number 1 because your body has never done it before so you have no way of knowing if it can. That was the biggest reason for my worry and I’m sure there are lots of people out there who are feeling or have felt the same. The only thing that you can do is have faith that it will happen when it is meant to and try your hardest to relax and enjoy the journey.
I know it is a very personal topic so feel free to inbox me a message on social media too 🙂
Love Stacey x
Read more of my blogs, here
Please share my blogs with your friends by clicking on the links below: